Beaters: There Ought to be Rules
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I drive by this forlorn 911 SC almost every day, either on my way to, or from, One Motor Trend Tower. It makes me want to cry. Or hurl. Sometimes both. No matter which side of the automotive fence you sit on, a late '70s 911 SC sunroof coupe is a pretty nice piece. I used to have one just like it, same colors even, and currently park its newer sibling, an '89 Carrera 3.2 coupe, in my garage.  As you can see, this one's silver paint shines like chalk. It's been clocked in the left headlight. Both foglights are gone, and the front license plate hangs by a thread. The driver's door was smashed in, but it's had some gypsy body work and a little rattle-can primer added. The tires are low, the wheels are filthy, and there's enough trash inside to fill a dumpster. The windows were last washed about the time W was elected. Oil changes? I don't want to know...  There's nothing wrong with beaters. They have there own place in the transportation society. Some have charm, even. But something inside me says nobody should be allowed to make one out of a really cool/interesting/even-semi-valuable car. I know, this is America, the Land of Automotive Freedom, and people should be allowed to thrash whatever they like. But there are enough Dodge Diplomats, Toyota Coronas, and old police cars out there to pick on. A Porsche, old Vette, or '56 Ford F100? There ought to be a law, I tell ya... Here are a few Beater Candidate qualifiers I think are reasonable: 1) Value of less than $1000 2) The cost to repair the rust or reupholster the interior must exceed the value of the car 3) It be worth more if you parted it out 4) 150,000-mile minimum odo reading; 200K is better still 5) Six cans of primer would improve its appearance 6) No really attractive woman (or anyone wearing clean clothes) would ride in it 7) Any sane person would call one of those tow-away-for-tax-credits outfits before they'd try to sell it to someone 8) You wouldn't even think of paying for Comprehensive or Collision insurance 9) Car washes are free, courtesy of the rain 10) Fine. Steal it. Who cares. If a car passes passes all or most of these litmus tests, it's got The Stuff to be a beater. So go ahead. Wail away. But leave the good stuff for car fools on a budget. Tell us your best Beater Car story. |
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